The Stationary Exercise Bikes Challenge

OK Ladies and Gents, get ready to mount your exercise bicycles.
This is the part of the proceedings when we put you through your paces ...


It's time to DE-JELLY those bellies.



It's time to take the THUNDER out of those thighs.

It's time for ...
The Great Electric Schwinn Exercise Bike Race.

WOW!

What a ROARING response.

I am always BLOWN away by the popularity of this event.

SENSATIONAL!

Ah, yes sir ...
I can see this is what you've been waiting for.
You have that fanatic gleam in your eye that says ...
CYCLIST who loves a challenge!

Well folks, that's exactly what we have for you tonight.

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A challenge.
AN EXERCISE BICYCLES CHALLENGE!!
(Brought to you by our fine sponsors - Schwinn Exercise Bikes

Now this is how it works ladies and gents.

Each and every exercise bike is hooked up to a speedometer.
The winning cyclist will be the person who covers the greatest distance in our SEVEN MINUTE sprint.

Sounds EASY, but believe me folks - it's not.

It is TOUGH going.
And the competition is FIERCE.

Our last winner was a speedy young lad called Lance Armstrong.
He set the record at 100mph.
PHENOMENAL stuff!
I can see that boy will be going places one day.

PLUS ...

To make this CHALLENGE more exciting,
We have connected all the bicycles into the Electrical Mains Grid and we are gunning to win a GUINNESS WORLD RECORD for the greatest amount of electricity generated by human-powered vehicles in a seven-minute period.

IMAGINE!

You might be helping us make Bicycle History here tonight folks!

Won't that be something to tell the grandkids!

OK so now to ... the PRIZE.
Do you know about the prize?
OF COURSE.
That's why you are all here. It's certainly not to look at my ugly mug, is it? Ha! Ha!

Well just in case you weren't aware
This AMAZING prize includes ...
Not only a FANTASTIC luxury Schwinn exercise bike
BUT also ...
TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in cold hard cash.

INCREDIBLE!!

Betcha going be pedalling just that little bit FASTER now aren't you, madam!!

OK so I know you are CHOMPING at the bit to get started ...
But FIRST, before we fire up, you must all choose your ride.

And you have CHOICES folks.
So many CHOICES!
Wander around the Main Domain and find the best exercise bicycle for you.

We can offer you the option of ...

  • The sophisticated, Schwinn Exercise Bike - Upright or,
  • The relaxed, Schwinn Exercise Bike - Recumbent.

Hard choice isn't it.
Don't limit yourself ... climb on and give them both a try.
DON'T want a Schwinn Exercise Bike?
No Problem folks.
We cater for EVERYONE here.
We have bikes GALORE!

We have a COLOURFUL assortment of cheap exercise bikes.
We have a plethora of FABULOUS recumbent exercise bikes.
NOTHING but the best exercise bikes!!

Take your time folks.
Compare exercise bicycles.
Choose carefully ...

WOW WEE!
What do we have here?
I see you have brought along your own performance bicycle, Miss.
BOY that is one SWEET ride.
Well my love - park that baby over there in that stationary bicycle stand.
You are going to give the rest of the audience a run for their money, on those HOT wheels.

OK friends.
IT'S TIME TO MOUNT YOUR EXERCISE BICYCLES!!

Let The Great Electric Schwinn Exercise Bike Race BEGIN!!
(Phew ... that's quite a mouthful. Try saying THAT fast, five times!)

OK now.
Ready. Set. GO!!
And we are off and pedalling.

WOW!

LOOK at that folks.
You are generating enough electricity here tonight to light up the entire city.

Um ... actually maybe we should slow down a little.
I'm nervous we might BLOW the entire grid.
Only kidding - keep going sir.

You people are SENSATIONAL.
This is our BEST exercise bicycle race EVER!!

Not only have we SMASHED the GUINNESS BOOK record and made Bicycle History here tonight, BUT ...
We also have a new exercise-bicycle sprint CHAMPION!
Mr Mark Cavendish.
HOORAY!!

Put your hands together for him folks.
What a MIGHTY effort.
Here is your check sir.

CONGRATULATIONS

Maybe we'll see you racing in the Tour De France at some stage in the future ...
Ha! Ha! Just joking you'd have to be MAD to go in that race.
Stick to the exercise bicycle racing, I say!

GOODNIGHT ladies and gentlemen,
And THANK YOU all for participating.

You have been MAGNIFICENT.

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Joey Adams Comedian
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

- Joey Adams